go to sleep, go to sleep a man

My life until now has consisted of me protecting myself from mistakes and from the opportunity of people possibly disappoving of me. Like the anticipation of getting punched in the gut, I have walked around in a perpetual state of pre-blow cringing. Well today, and all throughout student teacher, my guard has been ripped away and i've been sucker punched right in the kidneys.

My mistakes are my mistakes. I can only learn from making them.

Object Permanence

What ties two people together? Countless verse, pages of prose, notes fluted into the air attempt to semble something concrete,  something perment, some promise out of the invisible ties of love. I'm not hte only one to whom love is something nebulous. Something, yes something, floating through the air that you can grasp for a second and as you open your hand to admire the beauty you've found the wind wisks it away again to continue on its journey.

Reinventing, Again

A beautiful fall morning, roofs frosted, clouds covering all the orange brimmed hills that have become part of my daily landscape, and banana bread baking in the oven, reminding me this place where I live can sometimes feel like home. After the pure tumult and uprootedness of this fall, I am welcoming the idea of a routine like a long-lost lover coming home from sea. Feeling like this little birdie will finally have a place to rest her feet for a while. 

Starting my job this week has turned out to be far less of a fulfilling venture than I had dreamed-up for my first week. I'm sure that speaks once again to my far too idealistic expectations for this unkempt, unpredictable world we live in. So with lowered job expectations and a new schedule, I'm forced to reflect on many things. To go back to the drawing board, if you will.  At the ripe old age of almost- twenty-five I still wrestle with the question of what it truly means to live. And here I have another chance to toy with that question and what it means for me. The funny thing about life is we don't stop living until we die, so each day, willingly or unwillingly, we are forced to play a part. To live, to act, to react. So here I am, forced to decide how to be, and what to do. Free time is a daunting thing, learning how to live again in a new place is a daunting thing, adapting to a new schedule, a new career, new friends and a new culture are also all daunting things, especially for us novices of this thing we call living. 

Instruments of Love

We are instruments of love. Who will show love if we don't? We.are.God's.chosen.instruments. There is no plan B. As humans it is impossible for us to understand love unless it has been modeled to us. experienced by us. known by us. god is love, but if his people have no framework to understand it, then it is quite difficult for there to be an in-depth understanding of what love is. of who God is. So, go be an instrument today. listen, advise, serve, hold, encourage, speak, embrace, kiss, pick-up-slack for, and warn others today. Much to the deception of many, the most powerful thing we can do today is express even an ounce of kindness to someone. God heals. Love heals. And we are his instruments to do so. So Go. 

Loss

fragile paperthin pulses ear-to-heart

moving

                far

                         far

                                    away    

grief contained, smiles feigned, snowed.in.together. 

    all we have are heartbeats, moments, love 

and you're leaving without a cause.